Thinking ahead
When
two lives are going to be closely blended in a permanent union, no haphazard
choice should be made. Nor should one’s own character be too much taken for
granted. Character development is the work of a lifetime, and one does well to
stop occasionally and make an objective assessment of one’s own progress.
There are many considerations which
should be examined and beforehand in the light of Faith, common sense and
reason- not blind love, which cynics call “a temporary insanity”.
Each one’s views on important matters,
such as divorce and birth prevention, should be known. Divergence here can
cause serious trouble later on. Certain character traits are more important
than others- reliability, maturity, the ability to make sacrifices in time of
trouble. It is well known that emotional maturity does not always keep pace
with physical maturity. In the case of a girl, this could mean that she cannot
face up to the day to day problems of running a family or household and is
unable to accept minor disappointments and frustration without becoming upset. In
the case of men, it is quite a common
thing to find those who fail to make a success of marriage because they have
never broken away from, or been allowed to break away from their mother’s
domination. They are unable to lead their own lives with any real independence.
Many girls’ future has been ruined because she discovered this too late. This is
but one aspect of emotional immaturity, however.
Immaturity and selfishness are possibly
the main causes of broken marriages. Immature people are easily offended,
always want their own way and hate to be told they are wrong. In other words,
they have not grown up before marriage.
Occasional lapses, of course, are
consistent with even mature personalities, but frequent failure in any of the
above matters indicates a falling short of emotional adulthood, and marriage
risk would undoubtedly be a serious one.
Then there is the question of
compatibility. Under this heading come factors like age-group, social and
educational levels, recreational tastes and financial status. Sometimes, one or
more of these things which seemed so unimportant before marriage assume an
enormous importance after marriage. To take an example: after the first
emotional flush of love has died down, a well-educated person may find it
almost unbearable to listen constantly to a partner who uses bad grammar. A sound
rule is to marry your equal. It is essential not only to agree on big things,
but to understand each other sufficiently well to settle any lesser disagreements
peaceably.
Responsibility is one of the most
important components of love. It is, in fact, a response to the needs of others
and, if it is missing, love will not last. Sometimes girls and boys find that
they have married a completely different person from the one they imagined they
knew so well- and this after months, even years, of being practically
inseparable. In the quest for happiness, character is far more important than
looks or social standing. It is an interesting fact that others generally see
the true picture more correctly; so it is wise to find out quietly what parent
and friend think about the one in whom you are interested.
Of course, neither party is expected
to be perfect at the time of marriage, but the element of responsibility must
be there and also a reasonable basis for the virtues that are to be developed
during a whole lifetime.
A very common mistake is the notion
that, in the case of some glaring unsuitability, “all this will be changed
after we are married”. This hope-for reform rarely take place after marriage,
and this fact should be noted well.
It should be a great comfort to us
to know that God is interested in us personally and that He will respond
willingly when we call upon Him. But as well as this, we should seek guidance and
advise from experience older people, particularly from parents, whose concern
for our happiness usually enables them to advise us in our best interests. Nor must
we forget that parents have lived through many experiences during their years
of married life. They have learned, among other things, to detect the true from
the false, and we should be ready to listen to their opinions.
Nevertheless, parents have no right
to make the choice of a partner for their children, or to force them to this or
that choice. This right belongs only to the child. Parents have been known to
impede good marriages and promote dangerous ones for social reasons. For this
they will be responsible before God.
