Monday 31 December 2012


Is sexual control Injurious?

We often hear it said that sexual control is injurious mentally and physically. Nothing is more contrary to the truth. It is true that the sexual instinct is powerful and recurrent. It is also true that many things in our modern environment are sexually exciting and make restraint difficult. Indeed, living conditions themselves are often such that any easily-grasped pleasure seems desirable and attractive. Consequently, a whole host of reasons are put forward to rationalize and justify sexual licence.
            Among these is the claim that it is unnatural to suppress such a strong desire and that such suppression leads to neuroses and personality problems and even worse.
            These ideas which are put forward by various people, and even by some psychiatrists, are contrary to science and experience. Research has revealed the fact that it is not suppression but irregular sex relations, whether inside or outside the married state, that do damage physically, mentally and socially. There is, indeed no evidence either from physiology, from psychology or from experience, that sexual intercourse for the unmarried is necessary to maintain physical or mental health. In other words, chastity is possible for all.
            It is not difficult for anyone to cite numerous examples from among his acquaintance of those who have controlled their sexual impulses and have still been happy and able to contribute their share to the welfare of the community, without any suggestion of damaged personalities.
            In fact, it is well known that many people deliberately undertake a life of continence to dedicate their lives to some cause which they have at heart. This kind of sacrifice, which is the result of a whole-hearted commitment and which is a free and deliberate act of the will, is not detrimental to the personality, but rather a satisfying and enriching experience. It is often necessary, in various spheres of life, to sacrifice one set of cherished interests for the achievement of others, even more valued. It is by no means rare for the sexual mode of life to be deliberately sacrificed in this way. Those who make this sacrifice may still value and appreciate the sexual power that they possess, but without any harm to their health or personalities, they may choose not to use them.
            No-one has to yield in sexual matters. We choose freely. But it is important to note that a right choice is made only when pros and cons have been carefully pondered and understood. Once a decision is made, based on a firm conviction of what we really know is best, then we have a reasonable chance of controlling our desires.
            There is a vast difference between wrong attitudes towards sex and control or suppression of sex. Wrong attitude can certainly be harmful. They may consist in not acknowledging the sexual side of our natural and of building up unnatural barriers. This often springs from a faulty training or education in sex matters which has engendered a false sense of guilt where none should exist, or from a lack of basic and essential knowledge. Such attitudes can also be the result of some shocking experience encountered earlier in life. Those who feel they have a wrong attitude towards sex should seek advice from some competent person – a doctor, a clergyman, or some older person whom they respect. In serious cases, where there is real disturbance, a reputable psychiatrist should be consulted.
            Young people should think well ahead to other goals they wish to achieve during the years to come. These goals may actually depend for their success on the self-control exercised before marriage, and impulsiveness during youth may have far-reaching effect in putting the fulfilment of the most cherished needs and desires out of reach. Such needs and desires do not make themselves felt as urgently in youth as does sex, but they ultimately matter much more to the mind and heart. When they are not fulfilled, regret and even bitterness may often result.
            A lack of self-mastery, indeed, inspires no confidence in self or in others, and, since partners in life are expected to give support by sharing problems and helping to solve them, this lack of responsibility is a serious obstacle to happiness in marriage. A lax and selfish attitude towards sex should show a red right to anyone who can read the signs.
            Modern society makes great demands on the young, but the rewards of winning through are also great. Those who can control their sexual desire are preparing for a life of which the quality will be high. They will enjoy a family life lived in peace and understanding, because they will have learned how to make the necessary sacrifices intelligently and generously.

Monday 3 December 2012


Sex out of marriage


Can sex out of marriage ever bring the best values to human love?


This kind of love desires above all the good of the beloved, and therefore it has its fulfilment only in the security of marriage.

            In a successful marriage, each partner needs to have complete confidence in the other. Sex conduct before marriage has an important bearing on the degree of this confidence. If each was able to control his or her sexual impulses before marriage and, by doing so, was able to show consideration for the security of the other, then the effects will last throughout a lifetime. On the many occasions when abstinence within marriage is found necessary, each can feel sure of the other’s capacity for faithfulness. Such self-control in matters of sex, if won early in life, is a great stand-by in times of crisis, and, besides being a source of comfort, it tends to influence other spheres of life also. For in married life people soon find that other readjustments requiring discipline are frequently needed to achieve happiness. The person whose past sex experience has been dominated by sheer animal pleasure finds it difficult to adjust to a situation in which the good of a loved one is now the main object.

            Some couples who claim to be sure of their love for each other have no qualms about the morality of intercourse before marriage. This certainty may not last if another attraction is experienced some years after marriage. The thought of the pre-marital conduct will make it easier for the tempted part to yield, and it will also cause grave alarm to the other partner.

            The temptation that many lovers have to satisfy the other sexually before marriage is based on the idea that this is in the interests of the other person. This notion is mistaken for many reasons. One obvious reason is that intercourse before marriage makes marriage itself almost second-hand - at least, in one important aspect. But, more important still, couples find that once sexual intercourse is experienced, it is almost impossible to discontinue it. Peace of mind is often destroyed, in spite of the lax moral standards of the times. Apart from the danger of pregnancy, such experiences affect the girl in spite of herself – often morally and emotionally, such a hurt is deeper when marriage does not follow, and when she later meets someone whom she loves and respects and wishes to marry.

            Per-marital sex often, of itself, breaks up an association. It does this for physiological and psychological reasons, since, outside marriage, nether sex nor love is given a fair chance; and an association often breaks up that would, in the state of marriage, have worked out quite normally.

            Another point of view is that those who rush prematurely into sex relations risk spoiling their chances of getting to know and appreciate one another as persons, and, consequently, their love will not develop in the way it should. This development follows from a gradual discovery of each other’s qualities of mind and heart. It is this progressive discovery, rather than sex relations, that leads more surely to happiness, for sex alone is not a true bond. We see this clearly in those boys who consort with “easy” girls, then move on without a qualm.

            When a boy urges a girl to “prove” her love, he often forgets that she can scarcely, if ever, be as uninhibited as he can; for she has the ever-present possibility of pregnancy and accompanying anxiety that goes on for month after month. If he really loves her, he cannot afford to ignore this, no matter how willing he himself is to take the risk.

            Because of pregnancies through “mistakes”, many marriages have to be hastened and responsibilities undertaken before the couple are ready. The problems attached to pregnancy, both social and personal, are there before the wedding-day, and because of this, the young couple feel a resentment. This state of affairs naturally takes the edge off the joy of marriage.

            When a marriage in these circumstances does not take place, there is always heartbreak for the pregnant girl. She has to face many problems both before and after the birth of her child, and she finds, to her dismay, that society is far from being as “permissive” as she had imagined. In fact, one of the ironies of modern life is that society just does not approve of pregnancies outside marriage. Yet this is the very same society that bombard its youth with, or allows its youth to be bombarded with, every kind of erotic stimulant, through the media of sexy advertisements, sexy fashions, sexy entertainments and the like.

            Young people who are deeply in love but unable to marry for some time, for educational or economic reason, have a special problem. They cannot help feeling that the act of union here and now has the same spiritual meaning that it will have for them when they are married. They discount the fears of unwanted pregnancy and other social consequences, and they require other reason for abstaining from expressing their love. Such a reason can only be found in an understanding of what marriage means. They should realize that to be biologically ready for marriage does not necessarily imply that a couple are culturally and morally prepared. Marriage is the greatest adventure they will encounter in life, and it requires for its success all sorts of qualities that have barely begun to develop during adolescence.

            Nevertheless, the necessity of having to wait before marriage can create a conflict which requires skill and courage to resolve. It can only be resolved, in fact, by honest discussion and by coming to a right decision. Then it is up to the couple to support each other in keeping to the decision. Life, they should realize, will be full of conflicts, and many more serious decisions will lie ahead of them than those concerning sex control.

            Marriage at an earlier date is an alternative, though this solution may have other effects, educationally or vocationally. Otherwise, the young couple must learn together how to forgo an immediate pleasure for a greater future good, and to respect the values of those who love them and also the values of their future children.

            Since marriage calls for a constant, self-sacrificing love, and since this is the only kind of love upon which happiness can be based, the self-sacrifice must begin before marriage, not only financially and socially, but also emotionally.

            These considerations take us back to the meaning of love as the driving force of life. They stress the big gulf between pleasure and the happiness of the beloved at heart, but also the welfare of all those responsible for or dependent on the beloved. This latter truth is often selfishly overlooked.

            Admittedly, continence is difficult for young people nowadays. But it is by no means impossible; and those who desire to maintain or achieve it can do so by keeping the meaning of sexual love clearly before their minds and by avoiding all situations which might be a temptation to them – drinking too much, being alone together in a secluded place for too long, being in the lounge or the car with the light out and with nothing else to do but want each other, and similar dangerous situations. If a couple are really in love, they can be a strong support and help to each other in controlling themselves for something which they value more than immediate and passing pleasure.

Wednesday 21 November 2012



How important is sex?


Before beginning our discussion on the morality of sexual behaviour, the real significance of sexuality must be understood and admitted. Man is much more than a biological creature like the animals. He has many dimensions to his being. He can choose the object of his affections, and he can use his sexuality, not blindly but freely, as an expression of adult love.

            To achieve happiness, as distinct from passing pleasure, in the expression of this love, a person must know how to consider his own pleasure as secondary, and he must know how to control his natural desires in the interest of the person loved. In other words, for true effectiveness, the sexual urge must be combined with an unselfish love.

            Marriage is a sharing of lives – of joys, of sorrows, of problems. One no longer walks alone. One has a partner, a companion, to comfort, encourage and inspire along life’s road. Problems of adjustment are inevitable, but the final result is a fulfilment and a happiness that makes all the efforts worthwhile. Monogamy, the norm of our society, is the only form of marriage which truly satisfies the needs of human beings, and the relationship between man and wife brings out all that is best in each. The constant maturing of their love through sharing life’s experience, particularly in rearing of their children, is not the least of the blessings that come from their love.

            This understanding of the place of sex in the marriage of lovers should be understood by all couples who love each other. Their love means much more than: “I want pleasure through you.” It means: “I want to be united to you, not only physically, but in every possible way.” In the right circumstances, the quality of this experience is deep and enriching.

            Where the true value of sexuality is recognized, the possibility of good and evil attached to it is also recognized. It is because sex is regarded as something insignificant and unimportant and as being separate from and unaffected by our ordinary lives, that the moral sense of guilt is fast disappearing from society in connection with its misuse. No-one feels guilty about anything that is unimportant. If sex is regarded as something to be indulged in solely for pleasure or entertainment or recreation, then naturally its value is not high enough to associate sin with it.

            The sexual act is of tremendous importance. Human life, the most precious thing on earth, cannot be generated in any other natural way. Furthermore, as children can only be reared to perfection by loving parents, sexual intercourse helps to make two people into one. It is an act of total self-giving. It is a part of conjugal love, that love by means of which husband and wife become one only heart and one only soul and together attain their human perfection.

            And so it is precisely because of the importance of sex that we dare associate it with guilt and sin. Anyone who sees no guilt in breaking the laws of God and the established rules of society in sex matters is confessing that, for him, sex is without significance. For where value disappears, so do good and evil, right and wrong. The traditional prohibitions against fornication and adultery were based on a proper understanding of the rights and needs of children and of the value of sex in people’s lives. This understanding needs to be recaptured in our own times.

Monday 12 November 2012


Sex pleasure is not sex


Sex pleasure is an important part of sex, but it is not sex. It is not sex any more than the pleasure attached to eating is eating. Both are important part of the whole, but they are not the whole. The purpose of the pleasure in both cases is to lead to something more important than pleasure. In the case of eating, the pleasure is meant to make eating attractive, so that a greater good may be effected, namely, that the whole body may be nourished and that life may go on. In the case of sex, the pleasure is meant to make sexual intercourse attractive, so that an infinitely greater good may be effected, namely, that the human family may be nourished by the provision of new members, and that human life as a whole may go on. Because this particular good is so important, God made sexual pleasure correspondingly great. This pleasure is, in fact, meant to lead to an involvement of the whole person, so that couples who accept the possibility of procreation actually become “two in one flesh” themselves.

            Teen-agers may be meeting these facts about sex for the first time in their gradually maturing lives. Some teen-agers may not accept them very readily. Anxious to please and to be acceptable to each other, they may allow themselves to be adversely influenced by the behaviour patterns they see all around them.

            These patterns are often dominated by an undue and, what is worse, an unreal emphasis on sex (an emphasis which creates, rather than solves, problems for youth). Even without such emphasis, the propose of sexual urge is not, in adolescence, immediately apparent. The truth is that sex is not to be regarded as an end in itself, but as part of many other significant aspects of life, interacting with these aspects, influencing them and being influenced by them.

            The first step in the study of sex should be to find out what its full significance is, and particularly what it has to do with love. For if love is one of the ultimate goals of youth, then an early preparation for love must be undertaken. This preparation must not be confused with sex experimentation. It is rather by learning to respect themselves and others that young people prepare, so that when the right person comes, they are able to undertake a lifelong commitment (offering themselves unselfishly and with an understanding of what love means).

            Sex cannot be separated from the total personality. Just as we control ourselves in other spheres of life because we understand the purpose of control (in eating, in drinking, in our social relationships), so, in sex matters, we control ourselves for the purpose, namely, to be able to use sex meaningfully when the proper time comes.

            The word “meaningfully” conveys a thousand things that make illicit sex sound cheap, shallow, and a waste of time. It conveys, for example, a growth of personality, a sharing of values, and a capacity for happiness. These come, not only from the procreative aspect of sex, but also from the sharing of ideals, of joy and sorrows. These are benefits which can be the by-products of sex-in-marriage carried to happy conclusion.

            Finally, the goal of all our striving is happiness. But what is happiness? Certainly it is not the same as pleasure. And still more certainly, it is not casual sex experience. We know that we are forever striving, and that, as we reach each goal, its attainment is but a stepping-stone to the next. And so it is important that each step of the way should be meaningful. The only way sex can be meaningful is when it is an expression of love in marriage, when man and woman are truly fulfilled in a union which enriches their whole personalities.

Thursday 8 November 2012


Part two

Introduction

 

Formerly, it was sufficient for young Christian people to know and believe that lack of control in sex matters was wrong because the bible tells us this, because Christ confirmed it, and because Christianity has always taught it. Today they are confronted with questions from a godless society which wants different answers and, moreover easy answers. The traditional ones are unacceptable to them. They feel confident that, in these enlightened times, complications like venereal disease and unwanted pregnancies only happen to the stupid and the ignorant. They also dismiss lightly, and as something belonging to the past mentality, the sense of guilt that has traditionally been attached to unchaste actions. And having disposed of these and other reasons for practising chastity, they find no other to replace them convincingly. For such young people, and for those who come in contact with them, a study of the whole problem, based on a proper understanding of what sex is, will repay serious consideration.

            Since the clock cannot be put back, we must face the fact that those who want to be chaste have an uphill fight. Only too often the physical side of sex is being falsely presented to them, outside its total context, as being the “real thing,” and, consequently, it is easy for youth to confuse sex pleasure with sex. The purpose of sex education should be to cultivate a proper understanding of sex and all the enriching values it can bring to life.

Wednesday 31 October 2012


In marriage the grace of God is guaranteed

 

In marriage, the couple themselves are the ministers of the sacrament. It is they who, of their own free and deliberate choice, are God’s instruments in tying the knot of union which is to last until death. The priest is simply the official witness, which means they themselves have been used by God to give to each other not only sanctifying grace but also the right to all the actual graces that will make them steadfast and faithful in their new duties and cares.

             It is this grace which flows from the power of the sacrament that sustains couples in the difficulties that lies ahead ( hard work, child-bearing, the education of their children, sickness, lack of leisure, inconveniences, personal adjustments and all the  self-sacrifice and patient tolerance needed to maintain peace and happiness in the home).

            Due to the grace of the sacrament, the love that husband and wife bear each other will triumph over all their trials. It is a continuing grace and is available to them during their whole lives. The sacramental union is a guarantee that God will offer sufficient actual grace day by day for all their needs, especially in every temptation and crisis.

             It should be noted that married people must live in the state of grace in order to receive these constant graces to them to live up to their vocation as Christian spouses and Christian parents.

            Besides distracting the mind from the real meaning of marriage, over-attention to social details before a wedding often has other unforeseen side-effects, not the least being the state of exhaustion that is experienced afterwards. Certainly, there is an important social side to a wedding, but it should not be made into a fashion show, nor should more money be spent on it than can be reasonably afforded.

            A wise couple will not be so taken up beforehand with the social side of the wedding arrangement as not to study the spiritual side also. Nowadays the beauty of the Nuptial Mass is being more appreciated, and many Catholic couples fell strongly about its spiritual value. They want the very best on this important day in their lives. Indeed, it is quite customary for them to read through and study the special Mass prayers well beforehand and to provided the bridal party, sometimes all the guests, with copies of the Nuptial Mass booklet this is the right attitude towards such a great sacrament.

In marriage the grace of God is guaranteed

 

In marriage, the couple themselves are the ministers of the sacrament. It is they who, of their own free and deliberate choice, are God’s instruments in tying the knot of union which is to last until death. The priest is simply the official witness, which means they themselves have been used by God to give to each other not only sanctifying grace but also the right to all the actual graces that will make them steadfast and faithful in their new duties and cares.

             It is this grace which flows from the power of the sacrament that sustains couples in the difficulties that lies ahead ( hard work, child-bearing, the education of their children, sickness, lack of leisure, inconveniences, personal adjustments and all the  self-sacrifice and patient tolerance needed to maintain peace and happiness in the home).

            Due to the grace of the sacrament, the love that husband and wife bear each other will triumph over all their trials. It is a continuing grace and is available to them during their whole lives. The sacramental union is a guarantee that God will offer sufficient actual grace day by day for all their needs, especially in every temptation and crisis.

             It should be noted that married people must live in the state of grace in order to receive these constant graces to them to live up to their vocation as Christian spouses and Christian parents.

            Besides distracting the mind from the real meaning of marriage, over-attention to social details before a wedding often has other unforeseen side-effects, not the least being the state of exhaustion that is experienced afterwards. Certainly, there is an important social side to a wedding, but it should not be made into a fashion show, nor should more money be spent on it than can be reasonably afforded.

            A wise couple will not be so taken up beforehand with the social side of the wedding arrangement as not to study the spiritual side also. Nowadays the beauty of the Nuptial Mass is being more appreciated, and many Catholic couples fell strongly about its spiritual value. They want the very best on this important day in their lives. Indeed, it is quite customary for them to read through and study the special Mass prayers well beforehand and to provided the bridal party, sometimes all the guests, with copies of the Nuptial Mass booklet this is the right attitude towards such a great sacrament.

Thursday 25 October 2012


Husband and wife

Man and woman have a complimentary nature and the marriage union brings an enrichment of the human personality, both psychologically and emotionally, to both husband and wife. As well as helping them to a more perfect love of each other, it is ordained to satisfy their natural impulses and inclinations. Christ Himself spoke plainly about the powerful bond between husband and wife. In the Gospel we read how He reminded the disciples that God, Who made man, made them from the beginning male and female and that God said, “this is why a man must leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, and the two become one body” (Mt. 19: 4-6). The moral and physical relationship of man and wife therefore creates a bond stronger even than the tie of blood-relationship.

            St. Paul gives us a more perfect picture of the relationship of husband and wife. Women, in pre-Christain society, were held in little honour, but Paul’s understanding of Christain marriage changed this completely. He wrote: “husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the Church and sacrificed himself for her to make her holy... In the same way, husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies; for a man to love his wife is for him to love himself” (Eph. 5:25, 28).

            Thus, the love of husband and wife is supernaturalised; for it is seen as a sharing in Christ’s love for His Church. St. Paul, with his enlightened understanding, called this a mystery which “has many implications” (Eph.5:32).

            It happens that the purposes of marriage are stated by God Himself. In the book of Genesis, the passage relating the creation of man and woman states one purpose, namely, procreation: “Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth and conquer it” (Gen.1:28). Immediately after this, another purpose is stated, namely, mutual love and companionship: “It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a helpmate” (Gen.2:18). Then comes the passage: “this is why a man leaves his father and mother and joins himself to his wife, and they become one body” (Gen.2:24). This means they become a new community, which, By God’s blessing, will grow into a complete new family. And in the New Testament Our Lord clinched the matter for all time by stating definitely: “So then, what God has united, man must not divide” (Mt.19:6).

            “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth.” The act of marital intercourse is itself holy, because it is an act of nature willed by God. And so, as St. Pius XI expressed it: “Among the blessings of marriage, the child holds first place”. But it is not enough to bring children into the world; they must be cared for and educated. This is why the marriage bond must be stable and permanent.

            Marriage should help husband and wife to become holier; and while many purposes or reason for marriage exist-love, companionship, security, and even inferior ones like passion, pleasure, money- all are permissible, provided they are good, and do not oppose the principal purpose of marriage.

            Finally, any priest can advice couples on these courses of instructions or lectures which thoroughly discuss the meaning and responsibilities of the marriage state. And they can also discuss problems with informed persons, whether in private or in study groups.

Wednesday 17 October 2012


Thinking ahead

 

When two lives are going to be closely blended in a permanent union, no haphazard choice should be made. Nor should one’s own character be too much taken for granted. Character development is the work of a lifetime, and one does well to stop occasionally and make an objective assessment of one’s own progress.

            There are many considerations which should be examined and beforehand in the light of Faith, common sense and reason- not blind love, which cynics call “a temporary insanity”.

            Each one’s views on important matters, such as divorce and birth prevention, should be known. Divergence here can cause serious trouble later on. Certain character traits are more important than others- reliability, maturity, the ability to make sacrifices in time of trouble. It is well known that emotional maturity does not always keep pace with physical maturity. In the case of a girl, this could mean that she cannot face up to the day to day problems of running a family or household and is unable to accept minor disappointments and frustration without becoming upset. In the case of  men, it is quite a common thing to find those who fail to make a success of marriage because they have never broken away from, or been allowed to break away from their mother’s domination. They are unable to lead their own lives with any real independence. Many girls’ future has been ruined because she discovered this too late. This is but one aspect of emotional immaturity, however.

            Immaturity and selfishness are possibly the main causes of broken marriages. Immature people are easily offended, always want their own way and hate to be told they are wrong. In other words, they have not grown up before marriage.

            Occasional lapses, of course, are consistent with even mature personalities, but frequent failure in any of the above matters indicates a falling short of emotional adulthood, and marriage risk would undoubtedly be a serious one.

            Then there is the question of compatibility. Under this heading come factors like age-group, social and educational levels, recreational tastes and financial status. Sometimes, one or more of these things which seemed so unimportant before marriage assume an enormous importance after marriage. To take an example: after the first emotional flush of love has died down, a well-educated person may find it almost unbearable to listen constantly to a partner who uses bad grammar. A sound rule is to marry your equal. It is essential not only to agree on big things, but to understand each other sufficiently well to settle any lesser disagreements peaceably.

            Responsibility is one of the most important components of love. It is, in fact, a response to the needs of others and, if it is missing, love will not last. Sometimes girls and boys find that they have married a completely different person from the one they imagined they knew so well- and this after months, even years, of being practically inseparable. In the quest for happiness, character is far more important than looks or social standing. It is an interesting fact that others generally see the true picture more correctly; so it is wise to find out quietly what parent and friend think about the one in whom you are interested.

            Of course, neither party is expected to be perfect at the time of marriage, but the element of responsibility must be there and also a reasonable basis for the virtues that are to be developed during a whole lifetime.

            A very common mistake is the notion that, in the case of some glaring unsuitability, “all this will be changed after we are married”. This hope-for reform rarely take place after marriage, and this fact should be noted well.

            It should be a great comfort to us to know that God is interested in us personally and that He will respond willingly when we call upon Him. But as well as this, we should seek guidance and advise from experience older people, particularly from parents, whose concern for our happiness usually enables them to advise us in our best interests. Nor must we forget that parents have lived through many experiences during their years of married life. They have learned, among other things, to detect the true from the false, and we should be ready to listen to their opinions.

            Nevertheless, parents have no right to make the choice of a partner for their children, or to force them to this or that choice. This right belongs only to the child. Parents have been known to impede good marriages and promote dangerous ones for social reasons. For this they will be responsible before God.

Saturday 13 October 2012


Inappropriate attachments

 

An impressionable and inexperienced teen-ager sometimes forms a violent attachment which, to put it mildly, is inappropriate. The same thing may, and dose, happen to older persons.

            This incompatibility may be serious enough to involve mortal sin. Thus if you are in love with a married person, you have no choice but to do violent to yourself and stifle such illicit love at once. Failure to do so may result in great unhappiness, involving a sinful “affair”, which, with all its deceits and miserable subterfuges, may cause untold suffering to an innocent party and perhaps to children. An entanglement with a divorcee, or a person of immoral character, is also a very serious matter.

            “In a certain business firm, five or six of the employees use to lunch together. Gradually, for one reason or another, the numbers dropped, until finally only two remained - a girl of nineteen and a married man. Instead of exercising the virtue of prudence and breaking up the association, they went ahead, fell in love with each other, broke up his hitherto happy home, and found, not happiness, but misery and eventual remorse”.

            The incompatibility, however, may not be sinful, but may still be such as to jeopardize your future happiness. Such could be an attachment to an alcoholic, or to one who is very jealous, or who has any other serious fault of character. Unfortunately, you may not regard these traits at this stage as being important, thus love is blind. Or if you do, you may dismiss them with the vain hope that “it will be different when we are married”.

            If you are fortunate enough to realize your problem, which is really the problem of your whole future happiness, you must pray earnestly to God for help, and then force yourself to root this attachment out of your heart. The first step is the most difficult, namely, to convince yourself that the break must be made and to determine to make it.

            The recognized method of “ falling out of love” are to give up seeing the person, to ban all telephone calls and correspondence, to destroy all letters and get rid of all tokens. This is called physical separation. Then there is mental separation, which consists in not indulging in repining and day-dreams, and in avoiding self-pity. This is best done by deliberately seeking new interests and occupations.

            Very great courage is needed to break a strong attachment. However, after prayer, perhaps a friend is the best help. Sometimes a priest or a religious is a wise choice, for such are not likely to compromise. What you need most is for someone to keep telling you firmly, over and over again, that you are doing the right thing in breaking the friendship. This strengthens your resolution, though it may not make your task any easier.

            It should be of some comfort and encouragement to those who find themselves in this difficult predicament to know that many others have broken such an attachment before them, and are still doing it. Usually, after a long or shorter period of misery and heartache, a happy marriage with another is achieved and also, they are grateful to God for the decision they made.

            Since good girls and boys have an incalculable influence on one another, the very first thing to get straightened out is the matter of religion, if one party happens to have become careless in its practice. This often happens when boys go on with their studies, or begin to work in factories, workshops or offices. It also happens to girls in certain circumstances. For example, it should be known that a careless Catholic partner is likely to be a life-long source of anxiety to the practising Catholic.

            The choice of a partner is one of the most important decisions in life. Since the “yes” of the bride and bridegroom makes a marriage, since this consent is actually the sacrament, since the marriage bond is indissoluble, this decision cannot be base on emotional love; for this kind of love, as we have seen, can sometimes be blindly directed to unworthy objects.

Tuesday 9 October 2012


Company keeping

 

A couple keep company when they begin to wander if they could make a success of marriage together. However a boy should not consider marriage possible before he is twenty-one, but in the case of a university student, even this age would, in many cases, be too young. For the girls eighteen years of age seems about the youngest, though even this would be too young in circumstances where marriage is not possible for some years.

            The time of courtship is one of the happiest times in life, because it is the very real advantage of enabling couples to get to know each other better and fostering mutual love and understanding.

            Due to the lax moral attitudes that prevail in our society with regard to engaged couples, a warning note must here be sounded. The essence of love is unselfishness and respect for one another’s personality. An engaged couple have no more “rights” than other unmarried people. Because of their affection for each other they must guard their passions and keep themselves pure in other to be worthy of the great sacrament that will soon unite them spiritually and physically. Remember those who keep chaste before marriage can trust each other after marriage.

            When a couple begin to keep company seriously, it is usually the girl who sets the standard. If her standard is high, she can be an inspiration to her man. But it should be known that, towards the end of an engagement, it is the girl who sometimes weakens. If this happens, it is up to the boy to take over and be responsible for the courtship (by not staying too late, or not being too long alone with her etc).

            For many reasons, long engagements are unwise. In normal circumstances, from six to twelve months is a reasonable length of time for an engagement to last. A very beautiful custom is for the couple to approach the priest before the engagement and ask to have the ceremony of giving the ring carried out before Our Lady’s altar. This practice has great spiritual appeal for a sincere couple.

            “Religious views should further be discussed during this time, and definite agreement on the engagement period should be reached. Each should be aware of the standards and ideals of the other in regard to their present conduct and their hopes for the future”.

Tuesday 2 October 2012


The mentality of love

 

We must understand that all attempts for love are bound to fail unless one develops one’s own personality. This is done by the cultivation of certain qualities, among which are self-discipline, patience, courage and faith. Thus, the reasons for the failure are never sufficiently examined; people, in fact do not realize that love, far from being merely a thrilling sensation or a delightful state into which one “falls” is, on the contrary, an art that requires knowledge and effort.

            However, to succeed in love we must learn about love, proceeding in the same way as we do if we wish to learn any other art, such as music or carpentering or architecture. We must master the theory and the practice.

            People generally believed that romantic love, as depicted in films and other popular media, conveys false notions to young people. Love, emotion and passion are not the same thing, but the distinction is made only rarely in films. The passion is often based on sensuality. True love that lasts must be based on something deeper than the flesh and deeper than emotion or felling. It must rise above emotions and sex-appeal.

            Thus, the church has never underestimated sex attraction or emotional appeal, for these are part of love. But in true love there must be a spiritual link which will continue to bind when physical and emotional attraction fades. It consists in a union of wills, a desire to give oneself and sacrifice oneself for the beloved; it desires only the good of the beloved.

            True love is measured by the completeness of the marriage promises- the “Yes” that agrees to accept sickness or health, riches or poverty, good fortune or misfortune, better or worse “till death do us part”. Pius XII said in one of his addresses to young couples as follow “Supernatural charity alone, the bond of friendship between God and man, is able to forge between you, links that nothing can break, neither shocks nor troubles nor the trials that are inevitable in a long life together; only divine grace can lift you above all the little daily worries, above all the differences in testes and ideas which germinate and grow like weeds among the roots of weak human nature. This charity and this grace- are not these the strength and virtue that you sought in the sacrament of marriage?”

             In a sense, you should understand that the true love needed for happy union must be based, not only on physical and romantic attraction, but on these qualities of character which remain when passion and emotion grows cool, as they inevitably will. Thus, for the adequate use of the grace of sacrament, there must be this basis of true love to work on. Otherwise there will be no real happiness. When the initial romantic state of bliss fades, and when responsibilities take its place, husband wife may find to their dismay that they have nothing in common. True love, on the contrary, deepens with the passing years.

 

            Now, we should observe the love scenes in films with more discrimination; for our whole attitude towards the sixth commandment can be influenced by the portrayals of lust and licence and infidelity that we see in many films. Nowadays, adultery, free love, pre-marital relationships, pornographic sadism, prostitution, even perversion, are commonplace themes of popular films. Thus, our own moral standards must be high and inflexible if we are to view them objectively and without harm to ourselves.

            It is generally known that entertainment world shamelessly exploits romantic love, and teen-agers often know too much about sex before they can understand the deeper needs of love. Through inexperience or rashness, they may fail to understand, until it is too late, what is the real significant of love. This has led to thousands of unhappy teen-age marriage and a big increase in the number of teen-age unmarried mother.

            True lovers, besides being like-minded, must be mutually complementary; that is, there must be an element of contrast, each must enrich the other.

            Rule of conduct, you should let your friendships grow slowly. Love, as contrasted with infatuation, usually grows slowly. There is time to think and time to pray. You must have time and opportunity for character of the other. Nor must you rely too much on your own judgment. Above all, you should seek help from God in prayer, and God will surely direct you into safe paths.

Sunday 30 September 2012


 

Sex



            Formerly, it was sufficient for young Christian people to know and believe that lack of control in sex matter was wrong, because the bible tells us this, Christ confirmed it and the church has always taught it. Today the youths are confronted with questions from a godless society which wants different and moreover easy answers. The traditional ones are unacceptable to them. They feel confident that, in this enlightened times, complications like venereal disease and unwanted pregnancies only happen to the stupid and ignorant. The sense of guilt that has traditionally been attached to unchaste actions are now being dismiss lightly and something belonging to a past mentality. Having disposed of these and other reasons for practising chastity, they find no other to replace them convincingly.

            Since the clock cannot be put back, we must face the fact that those who want to be chaste have an uphill fight. Often the physical side of sex is being falsely presented to them, outside its total context, as being the “real thing,” and consequently it is easy for youth to confuse sex pleasure with sex. The purpose of sex education should be to cultivate a proper understanding of sex and all the enriching values it can bring to life.

Thursday 27 September 2012


            When the pituitary gland sends its message to the ovaries (a “get busy” message), it is answered in a special way by one of the hundreds of thousands of tiny egg-cells which are in the ovaries. This little cell then pushes its way to the surface, and eventually it breaks free from the ovary. It is then drawn into the fallopian tube by the fimbriae or tentacles at the free end of the tube. Slowly it moves down this tube, which is very narrow, leaving only a little spare room.

            The fertilization of the ovum occurs in this following way; the male fluid or semen is deposited in the vagina. This fluid contains hundreds of millions of little cells called spermatozoa or simply sperms. These thresh about blindly in all directions, most of them die in the acid secretions of the vagina, but some succeed in making their way into the uterus, and some of these find their way into the fallopian tubes. If there is an egg in one of the tube, some of the sperms will run into it, and ultimately one of them may penetrate its lining and fertilize it.

A new organism has now been formed, a new human being with an immortal soul. This new organism embeds itself in the thick spongy lining of the uterus, which, under the influence of hormones, is developed and maintained in such a way as to nourish and protect the new life.

            If fertilization does not take place in one of the tubes, the ovum soon dies there, and the thickened lining of the uterus separates and passes away with a flow of blood (menstruation), which is the result of this process. By disposing of unwanted tissue from the lining of the uterus, nature plays its part in keeping the female body healthy and attractive.
            This, then, is a simple explanation of the fascinating process of reproduction, which should be clearly understood by all maturing young people so that they can freely make right and enlightened decisions in all matters pertaining to sex.

Wednesday 26 September 2012


How to plan your life

Adolescence and Adulthood

 

Childhood is a time of nurture and protection, which gives place to puberty or adolescence, thence to adult life.

            Adolescence is a transition period when profound physiological changes occur in the human body that leads to the appearance of male and female secondary sex-characteristics.

            In the human body, series of small areas of tissue with highly specialized function (endocrine glands) are scattered all-over. These glands discharge their secretions directly into the blood stream. Their shape and functions very, it is the changes in the activities of these glands that are mainly responsible for the phenomena of puberty or adolescence.

 

Male: the male sex mechanism after been dormant in the body for thirteen years now begins to function slowly. The penis and the scrotum (two small oval bodies called the testes) are the two principal organs of reproduction. The scrotum, at the age of puberty begins to make a chemical which is passed into the blood stream thence carried by the blood to all parts of the body.

Thus, this chemical is responsible for the bodily changes that now occur (the development of muscles, the growth of hair, and the deepening of the voice). The male cell of reproduction called the sperms is also produced by the testes. Once the body begins to produce sperms, it continues to do so until late in life. The sperms pass into a tube called the sperm duct which curves around so that it joins on to the tube leading from the bladder to the penis. This latter tube is called the urethra, and it has two functions. It conducts to the penis the waste water which accumulates in the bladder, and it also conducts the sperms which pass into it through the sperm duct when they are needed.

 

Female: the controlling force of the female body or “leader of the orchestra” as it has been aptly named, is the pituitary gland (a mass of nerve tissue about the size of a walnut at the base of the brain).

            As adolescence is established and the glandular system matures, a hormone or chemical messenger is secreted by the pituitary gland. This is carried in the blood stream to the ovaries, in order to stimulate them to activity, and a series of changes then occurs in the body which result in the development of female secondary sex-characteristics (increase in the size of the breasts, rounding of the hips, growth of pubic and axillary hair, and in the phenomenon of menstruation). The menstruation is controlled in a rhythmical way. It is a recurring effort on the part of the body to prepare for the beginning of a new life and for its nesting and development.