Petting and the sexual progression

Part of the behavior pattern of the youth of today is the practice known as petting. Popular, even widespread, among the young, petting is a trifling with sex that is harmful in its effects; but, because they consider it from a short-range rather than a long-range point of view, young people continually try to justify the practice. It is precisely because there are no easily-perceived unpleasant consequences that petting is not recognized as a lack of control.

            Now, as we have pointed out, control is necessary in every sphere of life, and in sex matters, as in all other, a lack of control must inevitably have harmful consequences, though these may not be immediately apparent.

            One of the most serious dangers of petting is that it is merely the first step in a sexual progression. Those who indulge in it gain immediate pleasure, but they need more stimulation on the next occasion in order to obtain the same degree of pleasure. Thus progression is made through kissing to caressing, then to sexual intercourse. As soon as one tension is released, another is created. The problems resulting from such a progression are often involved and frustrating.

            The sexual progression ought to be understood by young people. Those who need to express affection in a warm and natural way do not, of course, find the progression inevitable. But those who permit petting for the immediate pleasure it yields should be aware of the problem of control they must face as a consequence.

            An argument frequently used by youth in endeavoring to justify petting is: “Everyone is doing it”, Even if this were true – and it is not – the fact would not make wrong conduct right. Nevertheless, youth is inexperience, and the conversation and conduct of others make an impression and influence conduct. This is often the case when virtue is mocked, when the desire for popularity and approval is uppermost, or when the need for affection or the need to be “with it” is felt. Young people do not like to be different: they like to be accepted by their peers. Moreover, to many who are frustrated and unsuccessful in other spheres, petting is a tempting and easy alternative.

            These facts give some ideal of the interaction of causes that lead young people into sex experimentation on date and outings. Where couples both have the same high moral standards, they are relatively free from strain and conflict: for they have a better understanding of what sex contribute to life, seeing it as a creative human joy, rather than a negative thing like an avoidance of frustration or a relief of tension.

            Sex is for loving, and not for mere pleasure. Young people in love who want to remain chaste must try to keep this clearly before their minds. They will naturally want to kiss and embrace, but these signs of affection will only turn into petting if their purpose, which is to express love, is forgotten. Consequently, couples will avoid caresses that are sexually stimulating and that are likely to lead to further liberties. In avoiding such liberties, they are really showing their love and consideration for each other. The sacrifice entailed is a real proof of this.

Is sexual control Injurious?

We often hear it said that sexual control is injurious mentally and physically. Nothing is more contrary to the truth. It is true that the sexual instinct is powerful and recurrent. It is also true that many things in our modern environment are sexually exciting and make restraint difficult. Indeed, living conditions themselves are often such that any easily-grasped pleasure seems desirable and attractive. Consequently, a whole host of reasons are put forward to rationalize and justify sexual licence.

            Among these is the claim that it is unnatural to suppress such a strong desire and that such suppression leads to neuroses and personality problems and even worse.

            These ideas which are put forward by various people, and even by some psychiatrists, are contrary to science and experience. Research has revealed the fact that it is not suppression but irregular sex relations, whether inside or outside the married state, that do damage physically, mentally and socially. There is, indeed no evidence either from physiology, from psychology or from experience, that sexual intercourse for the unmarried is necessary to maintain physical or mental health. In other words, chastity is possible for all.

            It is not difficult for anyone to cite numerous examples from among his acquaintance of those who have controlled their sexual impulses and have still been happy and able to contribute their share to the welfare of the community, without any suggestion of damaged personalities.

            In fact, it is well known that many people deliberately undertake a life of continence to dedicate their lives to some cause which they have at heart. This kind of sacrifice, which is the result of a whole-hearted commitment and which is a free and deliberate act of the will, is not detrimental to the personality, but rather a satisfying and enriching experience. It is often necessary, in various spheres of life, to sacrifice one set of cherished interests for the achievement of others, even more valued. It is by no means rare for the sexual mode of life to be deliberately sacrificed in this way. Those who make this sacrifice may still value and appreciate the sexual power that they possess, but without any harm to their health or personalities, they may choose not to use them.

            No-one has to yield in sexual matters. We choose freely. But it is important to note that a right choice is made only when pros and cons have been carefully pondered and understood. Once a decision is made, based on a firm conviction of what we really know is best, then we have a reasonable chance of controlling our desires.

            There is a vast difference between wrong attitudes towards sex and control or suppression of sex. Wrong attitude can certainly be harmful. They may consist in not acknowledging the sexual side of our natural and of building up unnatural barriers. This often springs from a faulty training or education in sex matters which has engendered a false sense of guilt where none should exist, or from a lack of basic and essential knowledge. Such attitudes can also be the result of some shocking experience encountered earlier in life. Those who feel they have a wrong attitude towards sex should seek advice from some competent person – a doctor, a clergyman, or some older person whom they respect. In serious cases, where there is real disturbance, a reputable psychiatrist should be consulted.

            Young people should think well ahead to other goals they wish to achieve during the years to come. These goals may actually depend for their success on the self-control exercised before marriage, and impulsiveness during youth may have far-reaching effect in putting the fulfilment of the most cherished needs and desires out of reach. Such needs and desires do not make themselves felt as urgently in youth as does sex, but they ultimately matter much more to the mind and heart. When they are not fulfilled, regret and even bitterness may often result.

            A lack of self-mastery, indeed, inspires no confidence in self or in others, and, since partners in life are expected to give support by sharing problems and helping to solve them, this lack of responsibility is a serious obstacle to happiness in marriage. A lax and selfish attitude towards sex should show a red right to anyone who can read the signs.

            Modern society makes great demands on the young, but the rewards of winning through are also great. Those who can control their sexual desire are preparing for a life of which the quality will be high. They will enjoy a family life lived in peace and understanding, because they will have learned how to make the necessary sacrifices intelligently and generously.

Sex out of marriage

Can sex out of marriage ever bring the best values to human love?

This kind of love desires above all the good of the beloved, and therefore it has its fulfilment only in the security of marriage.

            In a successful marriage, each partner needs to have complete confidence in the other. Sex conduct before marriage has an important bearing on the degree of this confidence. If each was able to control his or her sexual impulses before marriage and, by doing so, was able to show consideration for the security of the other, then the effects will last throughout a lifetime. On the many occasions when abstinence within marriage is found necessary, each can feel sure of the other’s capacity for faithfulness. Such self-control in matters of sex, if won early in life, is a great stand-by in times of crisis, and, besides being a source of comfort, it tends to influence other spheres of life also. For in married life people soon find that other readjustments requiring discipline are frequently needed to achieve happiness. The person whose past sex experience has been dominated by sheer animal pleasure finds it difficult to adjust to a situation in which the good of a loved one is now the main object.

            Some couples who claim to be sure of their love for each other have no qualms about the morality of intercourse before marriage. This certainty may not last if another attraction is experienced some years after marriage. The thought of the pre-marital conduct will make it easier for the tempted part to yield, and it will also cause grave alarm to the other partner.

            The temptation that many lovers have to satisfy the other sexually before marriage is based on the idea that this is in the interests of the other person. This notion is mistaken for many reasons. One obvious reason is that intercourse before marriage makes marriage itself almost second-hand - at least, in one important aspect. But, more important still, couples find that once sexual intercourse is experienced, it is almost impossible to discontinue it. Peace of mind is often destroyed, in spite of the lax moral standards of the times. Apart from the danger of pregnancy, such experiences affect the girl in spite of herself – often morally and emotionally, such a hurt is deeper when marriage does not follow, and when she later meets someone whom she loves and respects and wishes to marry.

            Per-marital sex often, of itself, breaks up an association. It does this for physiological and psychological reasons, since, outside marriage, nether sex nor love is given a fair chance; and an association often breaks up that would, in the state of marriage, have worked out quite normally.

            Another point of view is that those who rush prematurely into sex relations risk spoiling their chances of getting to know and appreciate one another as persons, and, consequently, their love will not develop in the way it should. This development follows from a gradual discovery of each other’s qualities of mind and heart. It is this progressive discovery, rather than sex relations, that leads more surely to happiness, for sex alone is not a true bond. We see this clearly in those boys who consort with “easy” girls, then move on without a qualm.

            When a boy urges a girl to “prove” her love, he often forgets that she can scarcely, if ever, be as uninhibited as he can; for she has the ever-present possibility of pregnancy and accompanying anxiety that goes on for month after month. If he really loves her, he cannot afford to ignore this, no matter how willing he himself is to take the risk.

            Because of pregnancies through “mistakes”, many marriages have to be hastened and responsibilities undertaken before the couple are ready. The problems attached to pregnancy, both social and personal, are there before the wedding-day, and because of this, the young couple feel a resentment. This state of affairs naturally takes the edge off the joy of marriage.

            When a marriage in these circumstances does not take place, there is always heartbreak for the pregnant girl. She has to face many problems both before and after the birth of her child, and she finds, to her dismay, that society is far from being as “permissive” as she had imagined. In fact, one of the ironies of modern life is that society just does not approve of pregnancies outside marriage. Yet this is the very same society that bombard its youth with, or allows its youth to be bombarded with, every kind of erotic stimulant, through the media of sexy advertisements, sexy fashions, sexy entertainments and the like.

            Young people who are deeply in love but unable to marry for some time, for educational or economic reason, have a special problem. They cannot help feeling that the act of union here and now has the same spiritual meaning that it will have for them when they are married. They discount the fears of unwanted pregnancy and other social consequences, and they require other reason for abstaining from expressing their love. Such a reason can only be found in an understanding of what marriage means. They should realize that to be biologically ready for marriage does not necessarily imply that a couple are culturally and morally prepared. Marriage is the greatest adventure they will encounter in life, and it requires for its success all sorts of qualities that have barely begun to develop during adolescence.

            Nevertheless, the necessity of having to wait before marriage can create a conflict which requires skill and courage to resolve. It can only be resolved, in fact, by honest discussion and by coming to a right decision. Then it is up to the couple to support each other in keeping to the decision. Life, they should realize, will be full of conflicts, and many more serious decisions will lie ahead of them than those concerning sex control.

            Marriage at an earlier date is an alternative, though this solution may have other effects, educationally or vocationally. Otherwise, the young couple must learn together how to forgo an immediate pleasure for a greater future good, and to respect the values of those who love them and also the values of their future children.

            Since marriage calls for a constant, self-sacrificing love, and since this is the only kind of love upon which happiness can be based, the self-sacrifice must begin before marriage, not only financially and socially, but also emotionally.

            These considerations take us back to the meaning of love as the driving force of life. They stress the big gulf between pleasure and the happiness of the beloved at heart, but also the welfare of all those responsible for or dependent on the beloved. This latter truth is often selfishly overlooked.

            Admittedly, continence is difficult for young people nowadays. But it is by no means impossible; and those who desire to maintain or achieve it can do so by keeping the meaning of sexual love clearly before their minds and by avoiding all situations which might be a temptation to them – drinking too much, being alone together in a secluded place for too long, being in the lounge or the car with the light out and with nothing else to do but want each other, and similar dangerous situations. If a couple are really in love, they can be a strong support and help to each other in controlling themselves for something which they value more than immediate and passing pleasure.

How important is sex?

Before beginning our discussion on the morality of sexual behaviour, the real significance of sexuality must be understood and admitted. Man is much more than a biological creature like the animals. He has many dimensions to his being. He can choose the object of his affections, and he can use his sexuality, not blindly but freely, as an expression of adult love.

            To achieve happiness, as distinct from passing pleasure, in the expression of this love, a person must know how to consider his own pleasure as secondary, and he must know how to control his natural desires in the interest of the person loved. In other words, for true effectiveness, the sexual urge must be combined with an unselfish love.

            Marriage is a sharing of lives – of joys, of sorrows, of problems. One no longer walks alone. One has a partner, a companion, to comfort, encourage and inspire along life’s road. Problems of adjustment are inevitable, but the final result is a fulfilment and a happiness that makes all the efforts worthwhile. Monogamy, the norm of our society, is the only form of marriage which truly satisfies the needs of human beings, and the relationship between man and wife brings out all that is best in each. The constant maturing of their love through sharing life’s experience, particularly in rearing of their children, is not the least of the blessings that come from their love.

            This understanding of the place of sex in the marriage of lovers should be understood by all couples who love each other. Their love means much more than: “I want pleasure through you.” It means: “I want to be united to you, not only physically, but in every possible way.” In the right circumstances, the quality of this experience is deep and enriching.

            Where the true value of sexuality is recognized, the possibility of good and evil attached to it is also recognized. It is because sex is regarded as something insignificant and unimportant and as being separate from and unaffected by our ordinary lives, that the moral sense of guilt is fast disappearing from society in connection with its misuse. No-one feels guilty about anything that is unimportant. If sex is regarded as something to be indulged in solely for pleasure or entertainment or recreation, then naturally its value is not high enough to associate sin with it.

            The sexual act is of tremendous importance. Human life, the most precious thing on earth, cannot be generated in any other natural way. Furthermore, as children can only be reared to perfection by loving parents, sexual intercourse helps to make two people into one. It is an act of total self-giving. It is a part of conjugal love, that love by means of which husband and wife become one only heart and one only soul and together attain their human perfection.

            And so it is precisely because of the importance of sex that we dare associate it with guilt and sin. Anyone who sees no guilt in breaking the laws of God and the established rules of society in sex matters is confessing that, for him, sex is without significance. For where value disappears, so do good and evil, right and wrong. The traditional prohibitions against fornication and adultery were based on a proper understanding of the rights and needs of children and of the value of sex in people’s lives. This understanding needs to be recaptured in our own times.

Sex pleasure is not sex

Sex pleasure is an important part of sex, but it is not sex. It is not sex any more than the pleasure attached to eating is eating. Both are important part of the whole, but they are not the whole. The purpose of the pleasure in both cases is to lead to something more important than pleasure. In the case of eating, the pleasure is meant to make eating attractive, so that a greater good may be effected, namely, that the whole body may be nourished and that life may go on. In the case of sex, the pleasure is meant to make sexual intercourse attractive, so that an infinitely greater good may be effected, namely, that the human family may be nourished by the provision of new members, and that human life as a whole may go on. Because this particular good is so important, God made sexual pleasure correspondingly great. This pleasure is, in fact, meant to lead to an involvement of the whole person, so that couples who accept the possibility of procreation actually become “two in one flesh” themselves.

            Teen-agers may be meeting these facts about sex for the first time in their gradually maturing lives. Some teen-agers may not accept them very readily. Anxious to please and to be acceptable to each other, they may allow themselves to be adversely influenced by the behaviour patterns they see all around them.

            These patterns are often dominated by an undue and, what is worse, an unreal emphasis on sex (an emphasis which creates, rather than solves, problems for youth). Even without such emphasis, the propose of sexual urge is not, in adolescence, immediately apparent. The truth is that sex is not to be regarded as an end in itself, but as part of many other significant aspects of life, interacting with these aspects, influencing them and being influenced by them.

            The first step in the study of sex should be to find out what its full significance is, and particularly what it has to do with love. For if love is one of the ultimate goals of youth, then an early preparation for love must be undertaken. This preparation must not be confused with sex experimentation. It is rather by learning to respect themselves and others that young people prepare, so that when the right person comes, they are able to undertake a lifelong commitment (offering themselves unselfishly and with an understanding of what love means).

            Sex cannot be separated from the total personality. Just as we control ourselves in other spheres of life because we understand the purpose of control (in eating, in drinking, in our social relationships), so, in sex matters, we control ourselves for the purpose, namely, to be able to use sex meaningfully when the proper time comes.

            The word “meaningfully” conveys a thousand things that make illicit sex sound cheap, shallow, and a waste of time. It conveys, for example, a growth of personality, a sharing of values, and a capacity for happiness. These come, not only from the procreative aspect of sex, but also from the sharing of ideals, of joy and sorrows. These are benefits which can be the by-products of sex-in-marriage carried to happy conclusion.

            Finally, the goal of all our striving is happiness. But what is happiness? Certainly it is not the same as pleasure. And still more certainly, it is not casual sex experience. We know that we are forever striving, and that, as we reach each goal, its attainment is but a stepping-stone to the next. And so it is important that each step of the way should be meaningful. The only way sex can be meaningful is when it is an expression of love in marriage, when man and woman are truly fulfilled in a union which enriches their whole personalities.