In marriage the grace of God is guaranteed

 

In marriage, the couple themselves are the ministers of the sacrament. It is they who, of their own free and deliberate choice, are God’s instruments in tying the knot of union which is to last until death. The priest is simply the official witness, which means they themselves have been used by God to give to each other not only sanctifying grace but also the right to all the actual graces that will make them steadfast and faithful in their new duties and cares.

             It is this grace which flows from the power of the sacrament that sustains couples in the difficulties that lies ahead ( hard work, child-bearing, the education of their children, sickness, lack of leisure, inconveniences, personal adjustments and all the  self-sacrifice and patient tolerance needed to maintain peace and happiness in the home).

            Due to the grace of the sacrament, the love that husband and wife bear each other will triumph over all their trials. It is a continuing grace and is available to them during their whole lives. The sacramental union is a guarantee that God will offer sufficient actual grace day by day for all their needs, especially in every temptation and crisis.

             It should be noted that married people must live in the state of grace in order to receive these constant graces to them to live up to their vocation as Christian spouses and Christian parents.

            Besides distracting the mind from the real meaning of marriage, over-attention to social details before a wedding often has other unforeseen side-effects, not the least being the state of exhaustion that is experienced afterwards. Certainly, there is an important social side to a wedding, but it should not be made into a fashion show, nor should more money be spent on it than can be reasonably afforded.

            A wise couple will not be so taken up beforehand with the social side of the wedding arrangement as not to study the spiritual side also. Nowadays the beauty of the Nuptial Mass is being more appreciated, and many Catholic couples fell strongly about its spiritual value. They want the very best on this important day in their lives. Indeed, it is quite customary for them to read through and study the special Mass prayers well beforehand and to provided the bridal party, sometimes all the guests, with copies of the Nuptial Mass booklet this is the right attitude towards such a great sacrament.

In marriage the grace of God is guaranteed

 

In marriage, the couple themselves are the ministers of the sacrament. It is they who, of their own free and deliberate choice, are God’s instruments in tying the knot of union which is to last until death. The priest is simply the official witness, which means they themselves have been used by God to give to each other not only sanctifying grace but also the right to all the actual graces that will make them steadfast and faithful in their new duties and cares.

             It is this grace which flows from the power of the sacrament that sustains couples in the difficulties that lies ahead ( hard work, child-bearing, the education of their children, sickness, lack of leisure, inconveniences, personal adjustments and all the  self-sacrifice and patient tolerance needed to maintain peace and happiness in the home).

            Due to the grace of the sacrament, the love that husband and wife bear each other will triumph over all their trials. It is a continuing grace and is available to them during their whole lives. The sacramental union is a guarantee that God will offer sufficient actual grace day by day for all their needs, especially in every temptation and crisis.

             It should be noted that married people must live in the state of grace in order to receive these constant graces to them to live up to their vocation as Christian spouses and Christian parents.

            Besides distracting the mind from the real meaning of marriage, over-attention to social details before a wedding often has other unforeseen side-effects, not the least being the state of exhaustion that is experienced afterwards. Certainly, there is an important social side to a wedding, but it should not be made into a fashion show, nor should more money be spent on it than can be reasonably afforded.

            A wise couple will not be so taken up beforehand with the social side of the wedding arrangement as not to study the spiritual side also. Nowadays the beauty of the Nuptial Mass is being more appreciated, and many Catholic couples fell strongly about its spiritual value. They want the very best on this important day in their lives. Indeed, it is quite customary for them to read through and study the special Mass prayers well beforehand and to provided the bridal party, sometimes all the guests, with copies of the Nuptial Mass booklet this is the right attitude towards such a great sacrament.

Husband and wife

Man and woman have a complimentary nature and the marriage union brings an enrichment of the human personality, both psychologically and emotionally, to both husband and wife. As well as helping them to a more perfect love of each other, it is ordained to satisfy their natural impulses and inclinations. Christ Himself spoke plainly about the powerful bond between husband and wife. In the Gospel we read how He reminded the disciples that God, Who made man, made them from the beginning male and female and that God said, “this is why a man must leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, and the two become one body” (Mt. 19: 4-6). The moral and physical relationship of man and wife therefore creates a bond stronger even than the tie of blood-relationship.

            St. Paul gives us a more perfect picture of the relationship of husband and wife. Women, in pre-Christain society, were held in little honour, but Paul’s understanding of Christain marriage changed this completely. He wrote: “husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the Church and sacrificed himself for her to make her holy... In the same way, husbands must love their wives as they love their own bodies; for a man to love his wife is for him to love himself” (Eph. 5:25, 28).

            Thus, the love of husband and wife is supernaturalised; for it is seen as a sharing in Christ’s love for His Church. St. Paul, with his enlightened understanding, called this a mystery which “has many implications” (Eph.5:32).

            It happens that the purposes of marriage are stated by God Himself. In the book of Genesis, the passage relating the creation of man and woman states one purpose, namely, procreation: “Be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth and conquer it” (Gen.1:28). Immediately after this, another purpose is stated, namely, mutual love and companionship: “It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him a helpmate” (Gen.2:18). Then comes the passage: “this is why a man leaves his father and mother and joins himself to his wife, and they become one body” (Gen.2:24). This means they become a new community, which, By God’s blessing, will grow into a complete new family. And in the New Testament Our Lord clinched the matter for all time by stating definitely: “So then, what God has united, man must not divide” (Mt.19:6).

            “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth.” The act of marital intercourse is itself holy, because it is an act of nature willed by God. And so, as St. Pius XI expressed it: “Among the blessings of marriage, the child holds first place”. But it is not enough to bring children into the world; they must be cared for and educated. This is why the marriage bond must be stable and permanent.

            Marriage should help husband and wife to become holier; and while many purposes or reason for marriage exist-love, companionship, security, and even inferior ones like passion, pleasure, money- all are permissible, provided they are good, and do not oppose the principal purpose of marriage.

            Finally, any priest can advice couples on these courses of instructions or lectures which thoroughly discuss the meaning and responsibilities of the marriage state. And they can also discuss problems with informed persons, whether in private or in study groups.

Thinking ahead

 

When two lives are going to be closely blended in a permanent union, no haphazard choice should be made. Nor should one’s own character be too much taken for granted. Character development is the work of a lifetime, and one does well to stop occasionally and make an objective assessment of one’s own progress.

            There are many considerations which should be examined and beforehand in the light of Faith, common sense and reason- not blind love, which cynics call “a temporary insanity”.

            Each one’s views on important matters, such as divorce and birth prevention, should be known. Divergence here can cause serious trouble later on. Certain character traits are more important than others- reliability, maturity, the ability to make sacrifices in time of trouble. It is well known that emotional maturity does not always keep pace with physical maturity. In the case of a girl, this could mean that she cannot face up to the day to day problems of running a family or household and is unable to accept minor disappointments and frustration without becoming upset. In the case of  men, it is quite a common thing to find those who fail to make a success of marriage because they have never broken away from, or been allowed to break away from their mother’s domination. They are unable to lead their own lives with any real independence. Many girls’ future has been ruined because she discovered this too late. This is but one aspect of emotional immaturity, however.

            Immaturity and selfishness are possibly the main causes of broken marriages. Immature people are easily offended, always want their own way and hate to be told they are wrong. In other words, they have not grown up before marriage.

            Occasional lapses, of course, are consistent with even mature personalities, but frequent failure in any of the above matters indicates a falling short of emotional adulthood, and marriage risk would undoubtedly be a serious one.

            Then there is the question of compatibility. Under this heading come factors like age-group, social and educational levels, recreational tastes and financial status. Sometimes, one or more of these things which seemed so unimportant before marriage assume an enormous importance after marriage. To take an example: after the first emotional flush of love has died down, a well-educated person may find it almost unbearable to listen constantly to a partner who uses bad grammar. A sound rule is to marry your equal. It is essential not only to agree on big things, but to understand each other sufficiently well to settle any lesser disagreements peaceably.

            Responsibility is one of the most important components of love. It is, in fact, a response to the needs of others and, if it is missing, love will not last. Sometimes girls and boys find that they have married a completely different person from the one they imagined they knew so well- and this after months, even years, of being practically inseparable. In the quest for happiness, character is far more important than looks or social standing. It is an interesting fact that others generally see the true picture more correctly; so it is wise to find out quietly what parent and friend think about the one in whom you are interested.

            Of course, neither party is expected to be perfect at the time of marriage, but the element of responsibility must be there and also a reasonable basis for the virtues that are to be developed during a whole lifetime.

            A very common mistake is the notion that, in the case of some glaring unsuitability, “all this will be changed after we are married”. This hope-for reform rarely take place after marriage, and this fact should be noted well.

            It should be a great comfort to us to know that God is interested in us personally and that He will respond willingly when we call upon Him. But as well as this, we should seek guidance and advise from experience older people, particularly from parents, whose concern for our happiness usually enables them to advise us in our best interests. Nor must we forget that parents have lived through many experiences during their years of married life. They have learned, among other things, to detect the true from the false, and we should be ready to listen to their opinions.

            Nevertheless, parents have no right to make the choice of a partner for their children, or to force them to this or that choice. This right belongs only to the child. Parents have been known to impede good marriages and promote dangerous ones for social reasons. For this they will be responsible before God.

Inappropriate attachments

 

An impressionable and inexperienced teen-ager sometimes forms a violent attachment which, to put it mildly, is inappropriate. The same thing may, and dose, happen to older persons.

            This incompatibility may be serious enough to involve mortal sin. Thus if you are in love with a married person, you have no choice but to do violent to yourself and stifle such illicit love at once. Failure to do so may result in great unhappiness, involving a sinful “affair”, which, with all its deceits and miserable subterfuges, may cause untold suffering to an innocent party and perhaps to children. An entanglement with a divorcee, or a person of immoral character, is also a very serious matter.

            “In a certain business firm, five or six of the employees use to lunch together. Gradually, for one reason or another, the numbers dropped, until finally only two remained - a girl of nineteen and a married man. Instead of exercising the virtue of prudence and breaking up the association, they went ahead, fell in love with each other, broke up his hitherto happy home, and found, not happiness, but misery and eventual remorse”.

            The incompatibility, however, may not be sinful, but may still be such as to jeopardize your future happiness. Such could be an attachment to an alcoholic, or to one who is very jealous, or who has any other serious fault of character. Unfortunately, you may not regard these traits at this stage as being important, thus love is blind. Or if you do, you may dismiss them with the vain hope that “it will be different when we are married”.

            If you are fortunate enough to realize your problem, which is really the problem of your whole future happiness, you must pray earnestly to God for help, and then force yourself to root this attachment out of your heart. The first step is the most difficult, namely, to convince yourself that the break must be made and to determine to make it.

            The recognized method of “ falling out of love” are to give up seeing the person, to ban all telephone calls and correspondence, to destroy all letters and get rid of all tokens. This is called physical separation. Then there is mental separation, which consists in not indulging in repining and day-dreams, and in avoiding self-pity. This is best done by deliberately seeking new interests and occupations.

            Very great courage is needed to break a strong attachment. However, after prayer, perhaps a friend is the best help. Sometimes a priest or a religious is a wise choice, for such are not likely to compromise. What you need most is for someone to keep telling you firmly, over and over again, that you are doing the right thing in breaking the friendship. This strengthens your resolution, though it may not make your task any easier.

            It should be of some comfort and encouragement to those who find themselves in this difficult predicament to know that many others have broken such an attachment before them, and are still doing it. Usually, after a long or shorter period of misery and heartache, a happy marriage with another is achieved and also, they are grateful to God for the decision they made.

            Since good girls and boys have an incalculable influence on one another, the very first thing to get straightened out is the matter of religion, if one party happens to have become careless in its practice. This often happens when boys go on with their studies, or begin to work in factories, workshops or offices. It also happens to girls in certain circumstances. For example, it should be known that a careless Catholic partner is likely to be a life-long source of anxiety to the practising Catholic.

            The choice of a partner is one of the most important decisions in life. Since the “yes” of the bride and bridegroom makes a marriage, since this consent is actually the sacrament, since the marriage bond is indissoluble, this decision cannot be base on emotional love; for this kind of love, as we have seen, can sometimes be blindly directed to unworthy objects.

Company keeping

 

A couple keep company when they begin to wander if they could make a success of marriage together. However a boy should not consider marriage possible before he is twenty-one, but in the case of a university student, even this age would, in many cases, be too young. For the girls eighteen years of age seems about the youngest, though even this would be too young in circumstances where marriage is not possible for some years.

            The time of courtship is one of the happiest times in life, because it is the very real advantage of enabling couples to get to know each other better and fostering mutual love and understanding.

            Due to the lax moral attitudes that prevail in our society with regard to engaged couples, a warning note must here be sounded. The essence of love is unselfishness and respect for one another’s personality. An engaged couple have no more “rights” than other unmarried people. Because of their affection for each other they must guard their passions and keep themselves pure in other to be worthy of the great sacrament that will soon unite them spiritually and physically. Remember those who keep chaste before marriage can trust each other after marriage.

            When a couple begin to keep company seriously, it is usually the girl who sets the standard. If her standard is high, she can be an inspiration to her man. But it should be known that, towards the end of an engagement, it is the girl who sometimes weakens. If this happens, it is up to the boy to take over and be responsible for the courtship (by not staying too late, or not being too long alone with her etc).

            For many reasons, long engagements are unwise. In normal circumstances, from six to twelve months is a reasonable length of time for an engagement to last. A very beautiful custom is for the couple to approach the priest before the engagement and ask to have the ceremony of giving the ring carried out before Our Lady’s altar. This practice has great spiritual appeal for a sincere couple.

            “Religious views should further be discussed during this time, and definite agreement on the engagement period should be reached. Each should be aware of the standards and ideals of the other in regard to their present conduct and their hopes for the future”.

The mentality of love

 

We must understand that all attempts for love are bound to fail unless one develops one’s own personality. This is done by the cultivation of certain qualities, among which are self-discipline, patience, courage and faith. Thus, the reasons for the failure are never sufficiently examined; people, in fact do not realize that love, far from being merely a thrilling sensation or a delightful state into which one “falls” is, on the contrary, an art that requires knowledge and effort.

            However, to succeed in love we must learn about love, proceeding in the same way as we do if we wish to learn any other art, such as music or carpentering or architecture. We must master the theory and the practice.

            People generally believed that romantic love, as depicted in films and other popular media, conveys false notions to young people. Love, emotion and passion are not the same thing, but the distinction is made only rarely in films. The passion is often based on sensuality. True love that lasts must be based on something deeper than the flesh and deeper than emotion or felling. It must rise above emotions and sex-appeal.

            Thus, the church has never underestimated sex attraction or emotional appeal, for these are part of love. But in true love there must be a spiritual link which will continue to bind when physical and emotional attraction fades. It consists in a union of wills, a desire to give oneself and sacrifice oneself for the beloved; it desires only the good of the beloved.

            True love is measured by the completeness of the marriage promises- the “Yes” that agrees to accept sickness or health, riches or poverty, good fortune or misfortune, better or worse “till death do us part”. Pius XII said in one of his addresses to young couples as follow “Supernatural charity alone, the bond of friendship between God and man, is able to forge between you, links that nothing can break, neither shocks nor troubles nor the trials that are inevitable in a long life together; only divine grace can lift you above all the little daily worries, above all the differences in testes and ideas which germinate and grow like weeds among the roots of weak human nature. This charity and this grace- are not these the strength and virtue that you sought in the sacrament of marriage?”

             In a sense, you should understand that the true love needed for happy union must be based, not only on physical and romantic attraction, but on these qualities of character which remain when passion and emotion grows cool, as they inevitably will. Thus, for the adequate use of the grace of sacrament, there must be this basis of true love to work on. Otherwise there will be no real happiness. When the initial romantic state of bliss fades, and when responsibilities take its place, husband wife may find to their dismay that they have nothing in common. True love, on the contrary, deepens with the passing years.

 

            Now, we should observe the love scenes in films with more discrimination; for our whole attitude towards the sixth commandment can be influenced by the portrayals of lust and licence and infidelity that we see in many films. Nowadays, adultery, free love, pre-marital relationships, pornographic sadism, prostitution, even perversion, are commonplace themes of popular films. Thus, our own moral standards must be high and inflexible if we are to view them objectively and without harm to ourselves.

            It is generally known that entertainment world shamelessly exploits romantic love, and teen-agers often know too much about sex before they can understand the deeper needs of love. Through inexperience or rashness, they may fail to understand, until it is too late, what is the real significant of love. This has led to thousands of unhappy teen-age marriage and a big increase in the number of teen-age unmarried mother.

            True lovers, besides being like-minded, must be mutually complementary; that is, there must be an element of contrast, each must enrich the other.

            Rule of conduct, you should let your friendships grow slowly. Love, as contrasted with infatuation, usually grows slowly. There is time to think and time to pray. You must have time and opportunity for character of the other. Nor must you rely too much on your own judgment. Above all, you should seek help from God in prayer, and God will surely direct you into safe paths.